August 24 2023
I just hit some key combination on accident while typing and I erased what I was writing for this entry. I didn't erase too much though. I will re-write what I wrote, so...
I just felt a pang of sadness before I started writing this entry. You know how a sad emotion can be strong enough for you to almost physically feel it? I can't really describe it. Well, here's what lead up to that pang.
Somehow, my mind came to the topic of emotional intelligence, or EQ. You bet that I started saying "I have a low EQ". What a surprise, I just have low everything, don't I? Anyways, after this, my mind began running around. I started wondering about relationship scenarios where the boyfriend has a low EQ. That "boyfriend" is supposed to be me, I guess. Whenever I think of these scenarios, the guy almost always has some sort of disadvantage, so I think these scenarios have some sort of connection to me.
Then my mind managed to go so far that I got to the idea of never learning anything about life, or any great lessons about life, even at 30 or something. I saw a few people on the internet who seemed to have learned good things from life at their ages, but that's only a few. It seems like I haven't learned anything. One may say "you're only 19 dude," but the thing is that I'm worried if I will ever learn anything from life. And now I worry if I've had any major experiences in my life so far. And now I worry if I will have any major experiences in life. Isn't there a pattern there?
About the whole EQ thing, it made me wonder if I really want to change anything about myself. I don't think I even KNOW what I'd like to change about myself. I feel like I don't even want to put in the effort to change something like my EQ, and I know that many people would look down on that. It's like I go like "no, too hard". I don't know if I even know myself! What my values are, or whatever.
I don't think I advocate for myself much, either. What I mean by that is, telling someone what I need or want. I'm afraid how it will make me seem. I don't know how I think stating my needs/wants would make me seem, but I feel like it would make paint me in some negative way or something. I don't know! I don't know how to describe it. I had trouble writing that out because I didn't know how to describe it.
Maybe you can see what lead up to the pang of sadness. I remember reading that self-awareness can increase EQ. I used to think I was self-aware, but I never really said it just like that; "I'm self aware!". I guess I noticed that I would think about how one of my thoughts may have been bad, or whatever, stuff like that. Now, I'm not even sure if I am self-aware. Well, anyways, when I felt that pang of sadness, I tried to name what I was feeling. I don't think I was able to get it, but some ideas came to my mind, I think.
I think the feeling may have been a feeling of worthlessness, or inadequacy. Like I was just meh. No I don't think "meh" isn't right. Like I failed somehow? I don't know, dude. At least I tried. I've been getting some weak lumps in my throat, like that pain you get in your throat when you cry. They were weak, though. Little hits of sadness, I guess. I got one hit of sadness when I typed "at least I tried".
I spent a lot of time painting the deck at one of my dad's rental properties. It's still not done, but it's close. Also, when I accidentally erased what I wrote, I lifted my arms and was about to throw them down (but not to hit my desk) and said "are you f-" but I immediately thought about EQ and self-control. So, I stopped before I could finish saying "fucking" and pulled my arms back toward me. It was kind of funny, actually. That was a win, was it? I don't even feel confident enough to say I succeeded or whatever, probably cause it was very minor.
But, I guess I controlled my emotion, there. Maybe it was frustration I was feeling, or something. Something that falls under "anger".
So, it looks like I really can change in this area. Now my mind will say "but will I be able to keep changing? Or will I get bored and stop?", but should I even write that in this entry?
My father asked me to get something to eat from outside. I'm gonna go do that.
Also, I was listening to skit2_pzdrPapi by Piotr Kanabus while I was writing this. The song kind of contributed to those pangs of sadness, but... oh well. I guess that means it's a really good song.